How to Embrace Your Inner Bitch.

Farmer Farthing over at the Asylum recently described how a run-in with a bottle of vodka awoke the Kraken within. I nodded in sympathy. Everybody has one.

Once again, Mrs Playmo had failed to put her Inner Bitch on a lead.

Once again, Mrs Playmo had failed to put her Inner Bitch on a lead.

Meet your Inner Bitch.

She’s raw, she’s rough and she makes Ridley Scott’s Alien look as scary as Yogi Bear. We are brought up to ignore her, yet we don’t listen to her often enough. She tells us what we don’t want to hear – she’s our inner voice, our gut feeling, our deep-seated instinct.

Inner Bitch is Gollum’s little sister,  jealously guarding your most secret fears. Naked, unkempt and rebellious, she keeps away from the light, crouching in the corners of your mind and flitting through the dark shadows of your consciousness. At nightfall, she grabs her bag, slams the door and gets the lift to your mind. She parties drunkenly in your dreams and lets rip with her high-pitched screams, appealing to you through the mists of sleep to say things her way. You refuse. As the day dawns, she stomps back to her cave, where she kicks off her scruffy Doc Martins, crouches on the floor in her underwear and flicks cigarette ash into a dirty coffee cup. She mutters obscenities and calls you a loser as she observes you smiling through gritted teeth at someone she wishes you would hang upside down off the nearest lamp-post with their underwear on their heads. If only you would listen to her…

My genetic heritage has rewarded me with 1) an exploded brillo pad growing on my head and 2) a multifarious character combining four contradictory elements: English stoicism, Scottish candour, Irish hot-headedness and Welsh stubbornness.

A rare picture of the author to prove that I'm not kidding about the brillo pad. My kids call me Chewbacca.

A rare shot of the author, fondly referred to as  “Chewbacca” by her offspring. Just to prove that I’m not kidding about the brillo pad…

Below this thick coat of hair there is an ideal habitat for my drooling, rabid inner bitch, who is waiting for that one ideal moment to rear her ugly head, known as

The Fuckwit Vortex

We’ve all been sucked into the fuckwit vortex at some point in our lives. Fuckwit is a term I first read in Helen Fielding’s book Bridget Jones’ Diary, and describes a fool or an idiot. We all know a fuckwit, and we are all somebody else’s fuckwit, no matter how hard we try.

For reasons that elude you, someone, consciously or not, is doing their best to goad your Inner Bitch into a conflict. You put on your best deadpan face in the full knowledge that she is foaming at the mouth. Seething and bubbling like a lake of lava behind your mask of self-control. You visualise the words “Off” “Water” “A” “Back” “Duck’s”, and “Wrongs” “Right” “Two” “Make” “A” “Don’t”, and encourage yourself to assemble them in the right order and repeat as necessary until symptoms subside. This “ignore it and it will go away” policy, otherwise known as putting your head in the sand, doesn’t work every time. But fear not, dear reader. We have a secret weapon:

The two-way fuckwit filter

A fuckwit filter, also known as taking a step back, filters the majority of negative fuckwit frequency input. This substantially reduces the amount that reaches Inner Bitch in her cave. When the negative vibes attain her, she bounds up to the access hatch with wild eyes, hair flying and saliva dripping off her chin, only to be caught in the fuckwit filter.

1953 Ad, E Z Kleen Air Filters

If the fuckwit filter could be bought, it would look like this.(Photo credit: classic_film)

Oh frabjous day! Caloo, calay! The fuckwit filter saves the day! Or not. Overpowering the inner bitch, muzzling her and putting her back in her cage cannot work for ever. So here is another simple method:

Embrace your inner bitch.

Accommodate her voice and modulate it into a polite form. You can even tinge it with a touch of humour to spice it up if you so wish – this is commonly called sarcasm. Watch the grin spread across your inner bitches face. She will clap her hands with glee, leap into her armchair and grab a bucket of popcorn to enjoy the show, because you finally gave her some air space. Amaze yourself as you deliver a softer version of her first draft. Like in music, you can choose the beat and the melody : hard rock, love song, folk or blues. John Lennon, Metallica or the Muppets: the choice is yours and yours only.

This does however demand a great amount of self-control. It is often confused with the very dangerous third option:

Letting the bitch loose.

Woe betide the girl who lets Inner Bitch run amok – if she escapes into the room, she can cause more havoc than Samantha Fox running around the Vatican in her birthday suit.

This often happens when events are taken over by the only other threat to humanity: Herr Hormone and his henchmen (more about him here). When the bitch hooks up with Herr Hormone, she explodes out of your mouth like Godzilla with a skinful of Jack Daniels and steroids. She rips the truths out of your innards, whizzes them together and vomits them into the room, then returns to her cave and punches the hell out of your stomach wall. This is the worst possible option, because irreparable damage occurs and feelings are hurt. Including yours. From now on you are alone with Inner Bitch, and neither of you will gain any more than solitude from the escapade.

Little Bitch

This girl let her inner bitch escape. She was immediately devoured with ketchup and her shoes were given to Oxfam. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So get in touch with your inner bitch, but don’t confuse it with being a bitch. The first is good for you, the second is self-destructive. Inner Bitch really is your best friend. If she is happy, so are you: it’s a win-win situation. Just remember to put her on a lead when you take her out for a walk.

My thanks to Farmer Farthing, aka Welly Girl, for inspiring this post. Welly Girl is a terminally good egg: a ray of sunshine in any grey day. Her blog is a fabulous cocktail of fun, fiction and reality checks. She has a refreshingly different way to cut the proverbial crap, and you should check her out here and now at farmerfarthing.com

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79 thoughts on “How to Embrace Your Inner Bitch.

  1. Bwahahahaha! It’s always hilarious when someone else’s inner bitch runs amok, but I’m terrified of mine. That spawn of Satan does way more damage to me that anyone else. No way I’m unmuzzling that evil gremlin for even a nanosecond.
    btw – I envy your glorious head of ‘brillo’ hair. Would trade with you in a heart beat.

    • Hello Miss Jo (gosh, I’m a poet and I didn’t know it). It’s true that it can be entertaining to see someone else’s Inner Bitch going crazy, but most of the time it terrifies me. As for the hair, I think you’d give up and shave it off within a week 😀

      • I did shave my head once – for the climb up Kilimanjaro. Actually it was more like a boot camp buzz cut. I thought it would be the perfect way to manage a greasy disgusting head of dirty hair on a 7 day climb with a shower or bath. Let’s just say I will never do that again. I discovered my head is oddly shaped 😦

  2. Two comments. Neither of which will go down well, with or without ketchup.

    1) Reclamation of language is largely unsuccessful. ‘Inner bitch’ and all that isn’t remotely witty or smart, it just panders to patriarchal stereotypes.

    2) I was using fuckwit in the 80s in Australia. That was a good ten years before Fielding published her book. There were fuckwits around back then and it would appear there still are. Incidentally she didn’t use it when we were at school together.

    I appreciate this is a humorous post so please don’t tell me that. Gollum is un fil unique. He can’t possibly have a little sister.

  3. Hilarious! I have definitely been known to embrace my inner bitch in the workplace. She usually appears with a raised eyebrow, slightly dismayed expression, and the exhortation to “put your listening ears on” if you’re asking about something that was already discussed. Her shy cousin Bitch Guilt shows up a few minutes later but is quickly silenced. 🙂

    • Good girl. Magic poney inner bitches must be fabulous: the glittering queens of the raised eyebrow scene. I’m actually quite jealous because I don’t know how to raise one eyebrow at a time. I end up looking like a klingon that’s eaten too much rice.

  4. I have a feeling that the inner butch works in a similar way. I can’t be sure as I never allow the fucker to hide away inside me ( except when he’s spoiling dreams) and make sure that I introduce him to any fuckwits that I have the pleasure to meet in my day to day life:)

  5. Your hair is awesome but I’m not sure about the beard 😉

    When I worked in marketing, I witnessed a lot of Inner Bitches running amok in the office (although thinking about it, quite a few of them were actual bitches…ooh get me, does that make me a bitch now???)

    • Good try, but I’ve got you sussed BW. Real bitches don’t eat midget gems. They choke on them when they’re being smarty pants smarmpots (I just made that word up. Do you like it?) My hair says “thank you” for the compliment, and would like you to know that it is going through therapy for its bad relationship with its mother. It will tell the beard that it’s time to cut a long story short.

  6. that’s a fine head of hair you’ve got there – it’s hard to tell where it ends and your . . .

    f*ck, b*gger, sh*t !

    barbedwords beat me to it

    I should have finished this comment instead of breaking off to answer my phone 😦

    p.s. who’s your ‘friend’ with the poker up her arse ? 😆

    • Aw Duncan. You must stop making me laugh and snort my Merlot out of my nostrils. That’s the Irish side of me coming out in my hair there. I was expecting the beard comment. Don’t worry, I’m sure BW will share.
      As for the rest… Just click the link and find out! 😉

      • being able to make women laugh is a gift I’ve possessed from a very early age – I’m told that when I was born, my mum took one look at me and was in hysterics 😆

    • Do you mean me? I don’t have any friends 🙂

      I do object to sexist language of which bitch is one, and inaccuracies stating that my contemporary schoolmate invented the term fuckwit. JFC. Get out of it.

      Poker up my arse if you choose. I prefer accuracy.

      • The text has been altered to remove any suggestion that Helen Fielding was responsible for the term “fuckwit”. We’ll have to agree to differ on the feminist vocabulary issues – you have the right to your opinion. I’d suggest that if you see something you don’t like in a title on this blog in future, simply avoid reading it. As far as I am concerned, this thread is now closed. Happy blogging!

    • Sorry, Duncan, that’s what you get for being sociable and actually speaking to somebody in the real world! All I can say is, great minds think alike 🙂

  7. Men’s inner bitch? I think one would be closer if you called it his hidden prick… cause when his inner bitch surfaces it is usually followed by making a prick of himself… women have a hold on the inner bitch syndrome I think…

    • Yeaaaah! Bulldog’s back! Are you feeling better now after your big scare? Hope you are taking things easy.
      Women are actually quite good at making pricks of themselves too. And I know a few male bitches who make their female equivalents quake in their boots. 😀

  8. Boowhaaahahahaha LOVE this!! I adore my inner bitch but admittedly let her off her leash a bit too often, sometimes that’s necessary to deal with the fucktards in our lives.

    • Welcome to the madhouse, Desire. I’m glad you’re friends with your inner bitch – maybe you need to buy her a nicer collar, then she will behave herself. PS. I have just corrected this comment, having tried out the voice recognition feature on my phone. My phone either doesn’t speak English or it needs a hearing aid.

  9. Brilliant title and hey we’re hair/destiny twins!
    My inner bitch used to have a blast writing for MamaPop but it is now history, so she finds less satisfying venues to channel herself. Except for when she hooks up with Herr Hormone and then things get even less satisfying for everyone. Awesome post!

  10. Wow! Loved all the controversy! Well done MM! It was your title that made me choose your post first from my email inbox. I see that we have something in common – uncontrollable bonces. I bleach mine, cut it short and torture it with straighteners. I’d wear a hat every day if I didn’t have such a big fat head. As for inner bitch, I use himself as my filter. He listens to all my rants when I get home, but there is someone who if she wasn’t so overweight I’d like to hang her upside-down from a lamppost with her underwear around her head as you’ve now put the idea in my head. I’ll keep my camera with me. Wouldn’t that make a fun post?

    • I have a pair of hair straighteners, but it takes me ages to tame the mane, and if the weather is damp it all springs back to life within a couple of hours… SIGH.
      I try to get PF to be my filter, but he runs out of patience after a while (five minutes, to be precise). I’m glad you like the lamp post/kecks idea – I’m sure you’ll find a lamp post that will hold the strain if you look carefully enough 😀

  11. I love your photo! You are quite charming in your brillo bonnet! My inner bitch isn’t quite as feisty as she once was. She simmers a little beneath the surface, though, and when called upon, can come out in under ten seconds flat! And I do think my bitch can dish out some of the best passive aggressive responses in town. It’s an art! But you’ll notice I share that part about me as a response to you rather than share it on my own blog! LOL! Have a wonderful weekend. 🙂

    • Thank you 🙂 A very rare sighting of MM in her natural environment. Ah, passive-aggressive, the best attitude out – albeit difficult to achieve for many. One day you will let your inner bitch come out of the closet on your blog. It’s just a question of time. 😀 Hope you’re having a lovely weekend too. xoxo

  12. Pingback: How to Embrace Your Inner Bitch. | Human Relationships

  13. One of the good bits of getting older (yes, I’m busy looking for as many as I can find) is coming to a workable modus vivendi with my inner bitch. I well remember the times when she slipped the leash and ran riot, but now we’re much more likely to settle for a quiet chat over a nice cup of tea. 🙂

      • Hi MM,

        It has just been a little chaotic here. We also had a strange workaway who was supposed to help around the house and do a bit of packing, but I think he had ‘problems’.

        The bad news is I have a bit of man cold, the good news is I am taking a group of Italians wine tasting tonight. (someone should have warned them about me before they signed up for the English lessons)

      • Oh dear. I hope he didn’t tape Scooby Doo inside a box. We all know what happened the last time he got nosey…
        Wine is very good for man flu. And woman flu too. HAs Mrs Sensible given you the right to go out drinking wine? Oh, my. Things are changing!

    • No kidding! My hair has a long lost cousin (cousin Itt? Like in the Addams family?) My inner bitch appears to have relatives all over the world. Very comforting news for her- she is popping the cork on the bubbly as I type 😉

  14. This is hilarious! I wish I could meet my inner bitch but really can’t drink due to health reason, and I really love the taste of vodka. Even craved them during my pregnancy lol 🙂

  15. Oh yes… Herr Hermone must always be kept in check and handled with care… inner bitches voice however, should always be listened to! Great post as always MM, you never fail to make me laugh, which is always good for Herr Hermone and the soul! Big nuggins to you! 🙂

  16. Wow ! How great it feels to see we are not alone in the struggle against an inner bitch. Maybe I reconcile with her thanks to your advice: not shutting her mouth, because otherwise she’ll explode tenfold afterwards, but trying to tame her or letting her go only after adding to that bitch a lot, lot of make-up…

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