Alex, the Love-Sick Adonis.

“Alex from London” popped up on the right-hand side of my screen when I signed in to Facebook a few months ago. He was incongruously sandwiched between an advert for weight-loss solutions and another for a magic potion promising to banish my wrinkles forever. The fickle and unreliable adverts for miracle remedies changed daily, but Alex has flashed that shy grin at me every day since. I systematically ignore his ad, and as I sign out, I imagine him dripping tears of solitude into his glass of Chianti as he realises that he has been given the virtual brush-off once again.

Action Man

When love makes the ideal man go to pieces… (Photo credit: Mr Jaded)

According to the dating agency description adorning his photo ad, Alex is a “sophisticated single with higher expectations” (whatever they may be -more about that anon). His photo positively oozes suave masculinity and physical perfection – to such an extent that you are almost tempted to meet him, just to turn him upside down and check if he has “Made in Taiwan” stamped on his rear end. He has sparkling blue eyes, a square jaw, carefully tamed morning shadow, and an affable smile. The open top buttons of his impeccably ironed shirt reveal a perfect torso, possibly sculpted by a healthy combination of a fat-free diet, weight-lifting and Tai Chi.  But for my suspicious mind, it was primarily a sign that Alex is either an unhealthily meticulous and narcissistic bachelor, or that he still lives with his Mum. My fertile imagination galloped on to the conclusion that he has had a strict English upbringing and a good Oxbridge education, enjoys All-bran and a cup of fair-trade coffee for breakfast, and scrupulously irons his own underpants.

Although Alex is not my cup of tea (I prefer to meet a man before his hair migrates from his head to his chest), he is no doubt the scoop of the century for many women.  This metrosexual Prince Charming could sweep practically any woman off her feet if she has had enough of spending her evenings with womankind’s two favourite men, Ben and Jerry.

Ben & Jerry's

Ben & Jerry, two men known to comfort and reassure women without asking for anything in return. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So why on earth is Alex still single after three months of in-your-face advertising? If his huge salary, lean muscles, impressive qualifications and designer flat in Kensington do not attract even the least demanding female, something decidedly fishy is going on. Let’s face it: a single Alex is about as plausible as auctioning an evening with George Clooney and only getting a 50p bid from the toothless granny in the back row.

Or maybe there’s another explanation for his lack of success. After all, surely men like him are too busy carving up notches on the bedpost or getting modelling contracts – or both – to bother getting their Y-fronts in a twist over settling down? Here are my suggestions:

1. It’s a conspiracy. Facebook invented him to see if I really do love P.F. as much as I say, and is monitoring my every move with the firm intention of calling him in his office to rat on me the minute I click on that picture to find out if Alex still lives with his mum.

2. Alex suffers from self-imposed speed-dating due to halitosis so potent that it could stop a rampaging elephant in its tracks, meaning that every date does a runner as soon as he holds her face in his manly mitts and starts whispering sweet nothings. Or maybe those good looks hide the fact that he has the vocabulary and conversational skills of the average brick.

3. Alex is an imposter who has “borrowed” a photo of someone else, and is in fact a socially inept couch potato with a nasal whine who spends his evenings muttering incantations and eating entire packets of chocolate Hobnobs as he seeks his ideal spouse on the net. In this case, Alex, your secret is safe with me: like all the other women who have seen your photo, I am a tall, beautiful and slender nineteen-year-old Russian redhead named Natasha. I have three PhDs in rocket science, a generous banker of a father, breasts like twin watermelons and no intention to mess up my life (or my pelvic floor) by starting a family.

4. The prospect of Alex’s “higher expectations” may be a little off-putting for many women, and explain the lack of willing candidates. What exactly are we talking about here? Not all of us are into swinging from the lampshade with a copy of the Kama Sutra clenched between our teeth.

The Dating Game

The Dating Game (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So Alex, I’m off to click on the button that tells FB that I don’t want to see your mug shot anymore. You should contact “dubious date dot-com,” and ask for your money back. Then go over to your local superstore and hang around the section that interests the ideal girl for you: Beauty products for a girl who is pretty and dainty, DIY for a down-to-earth lass, the book section for an intellectual or philosopher, and the organic vegetable shelf for a girl with henna tattoos and dreadlocks who goes with the flow and swims to Nicaragua to do volunteer work every summer. I sincerely hope that you find love and happiness. Good luck, kiddo.

37 thoughts on “Alex, the Love-Sick Adonis.

  1. Fabulously funny post but don’t knock it, I get Stanna stairlifts and Will your will to help save dogs/cats/donkeys…and maybe even Alex

    • Hello, Laura! (Beautiful name, by the way. It was my grandmother’s name and it’s my sister’s name.)Glad you enjoyed the post. Stanna stairlifts can be useful to take the laundry upstairs, and even me if after a Christmas party 🙂 Now you gave me an idea there – let’s start up a “find Alex and marry him off” fund!

  2. Brilliant – loved that !

    just the lift I needed after coming home from work to find one of my dogs has an upset tummy and has decided on a very stinky way to inform me of this fact 😦

    (fortunately, the smell that assaulted my nostrils when I opened the front door alerted me to the danger and I managed to avoid treading in the pile of dog poo she left in the hallway)

    I have a facebook account but rarely go on there

    after reading this post, I’m tempted to log on to see if there is a female equivalent of ‘Alex’ in my sidebar 😆

    • Cheers, Duncan! I’m sorry your dog’s not well, poor thing 😦 I’m glad you didn’t walk in the poo though, ‘cos I can tell you from first hand experience that it’s no fun. Do let me know if you bump into Natascha the redhead on Facebook – we could link her up directly with Alex 😀

  3. Poor Alex, I am sure he will miss you. Somehow I don’t get those adds. I get the “One weird trick to loose belly fat” or “Do you want a Green card to work in the US”?. Yes, Please! my U.S. citizenship is not enough. lol I guess they know I am in Serbia. 🙂

    • I love those ads, the English is terrible and they generally include pictures of hard-boiled eggs or tapeworms (I kid ye not, it’s apparently the latest fad in dieting in the states). I wouldn’t ask for a green card to live in the USA, France is brilliant!

      • I am glad to hear it! I would love to visit France someday. It is on my list. As for me, I am not sure about Serbia. Some things really scare me. Mostly the hospitals and the archaic beliefs. I just learned one the doctors said they clean the hospital with water. JUST WATER! OMG! But then all the good in the US is GMO! I may move to France!

  4. All the ads on my facebook seem to want me to study more… Apparently the University of Liverpool will let me do a Masters Degree online. I’m quite jealous, I want a female Alex!

    • Oh, you too? Meet you at virtual cyberschool, then. How about criminology for you, and writing constraints for 21st century women for me? We’ll have a virtual beer and peanuts at lunchtime, and in the evening we’ll adopt two Alsatians (a french cereal farmer and a four-legged canine variety) to hunt down your burglars.

  5. I’m not on FB and have never been bothered by that fact before. Now I feel deprived and am tempted to join to see whether i get an Alex too or an ad for sheepskin slippers or pre-paid funerals plans. 🙂

    • I’m seriously considering leaving FB, as they have announced plans to use my personal information and photos for advertising without my consent. I have removed my photos and will shortly be putting my cat’s bottom as a profile picture incase they decide to use it without my permission.

      • Can they do that? Are they assuming that everything posted on there belongs to them? That seems immoral to me, if not actually illegal. Yuk!

      • Apparently, they can now, by reformulating their legal jargon for the site. Google it. I think they’ve finally got eyes bigger than their bellies, and I’m buggered if they’re going to use pictures of my children to advertise headlouse remedies without my permission.

    • Change your date of birth on FB, that should do the trick 🙂 I had “elite dating”, they seem to have clicked that I have my own company name so have no time for dating high-flying business men. I think they see me as a hot-to trot career woman rather than MM translating at her kitchen table 🙂

  6. I think Alex is the future. On line dating seems to be the zeitgeist. I find that impossible to get my head around as I found meeting people to be very easy when I was young. Alex is part of the obsession with physical perfection. There’s going to be a lot of very weird looking old people in 30 years or so….

    • I personally think that the photo must be an old one, and the guy in question is probably now retired. What you say about meeting people is so true – it’s amazing how many people spend their time trying to make friends or “plus si affinité” over internet, when they don’t even talk to their neighbours. It’s a bit like filming your children all the time rather than actually playing with them- we’ve created filters through which we observe and present our lives rather that living them to the full.

  7. Alex is surely a Nigerian pre-teen working for a deserving group of entrepreuneurs who are intent on breaking every heart (female/male/other) and freeing bank accounts of such encumbrances as money. He will drag his weary bones from a day at the internet café in downtown wherever, his eyes red, his wrists already bent with carpal wotsit, and a meagre cent or two in his pocket. We should weep for Alex and click on his little piccy to enable his alter-ego an extra crumb in his mouth…

    • What, you mean that date-a-super-man-full-of-cash-dot-co-dot-uk is all one big scam? No, surely not. No more that the lovely lady my son contacted via “le bon coin” for an iphone a while back who turned out to be a an ill and sobbing widow with an inexpicably urgent desire to sell her phone, then a delivery boy, and finally an account in deepest darkest Africa. I sniffed out the hoax as soon as we got the first reply to his enquiry, and illustrated that I was right by going through to the process with Bigfoot before sending the “seller” packing in style.

  8. Oh I do so look forward to reading your posts!! They always make me smile!! Of course I just couldn’t resist a peek at “my” ads…. Normally I see stuff like high heels, handbags & xbox controllers due to teenage offspring hijacking the computer ( should be thankful I suppose that I haven’t been seeing a half naked Adonis!) – now that they’re back at school it’s a different story – why oh why do they assume that all 50+s need to lose 9 kilos in 24 days????

    Must add that I am also getting a bit wary of what FB think they can do with the info we put on there…I don’t use it that much for personal stuff but even so ….also, even if you remove your photos, aren’t they still there hovering somewhere in the ether for them to find & use? Not a nice thought & I wonder how long it will take for the whole thing to backfire on them?

    • Thank you! (MM does happy dance in her kitchen). My kids aren’t on Facebook – Bigfoot has deemed that it’s “crap”, and I have refused to let his brother and sister use it. I am amazed to see how FB tailors the ads to the limited profile they have for me (they only have the strict minimum required, and their nosy questions about where I live and who I know drive me up the pole). I bet that they don’t try out their diets before they advertise them. Apparently the photos do hang around in cyberspace for a while, but I think they disappear after a few months. I hope so, anyway….

  9. I am not on Facebook but after reading your post I am tempted to join

    I have not had any success finding a man on Perhaps it is time I tried Facebook. (I had not realised there were such gems as Alex on there) 😆

    • I’m not sure that the name of that site is promising for them- a bit too like “shady” to my liking 🙂 Facebook is a bad option- don’t be tempted by the dark side (insert evil laugh *here*). Go out and have fun, it’s a much better plan!

  10. Alex of course is not real, he is a ruse to get you to click on his chiselled chin so that you can be transported elsewhere in the hopes you will sign up for some other nonsense or other where they promise you everything and deliver nothing but annoying ads to carry on the chain reaction! Either that or he does actually still live with his mother and therefore why he’s still single! 😉
    As for FB, not on it for the very reason you mention… that they think whatever you put on there is theirs, to do with what they will… cheeky beggars!
    Great post MM, I can always rely on you for my daily chuckles! 😀
    P.S. Like the new icon by the way… very 50’s woman, sitting at her kitchen table thinking about what to write next! 😉

    • Alex has been replaced by another bearded beauty. They really won’t give up on me. Too kind, huh? I’m glad you enjoyed the post – and l like the new pic too. I was hesitating between that one and one entitled “pills”, but it appeared a little close to the empty-headed truth for comfort 🙂

  11. I love this post – and almost feel sorry for Alex – he really doesn’t stand a chance of getting your attention, poor lamb! I’m sure his mum will comfort him when he gets home though!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s