Pam Spam and the decontamination chamber.

It’s rare for spam to make it though the impressive WordPress filter – it rarely gets things wrong. But you made it through last night, Pam.  (I have of course changed your name to rhyme with “spam” – your real identity is safe with me.) You slipped through the WordPress spam barrage with more ingenuity and prowess than Catwoman, and were waiting impatiently for me in my list of comments awaiting moderation when I opened Pomme’s browser this morning. Today’s « false positive » has given me the chance to write a post, whilst it offers you a unexpected moment of fame in an obscure corner of cyber space ruled by a half-potty hybrid of housewife, career-woman, book-lover and amateur photographer suffering from scribal diarrhoea and lost in the wastelands of the Languedoc. Lucky you.

I didn’t understand a word of what you wrote in your comment, which had nothing much to do with my blog, and have presumed that you are a spammer. I have therefore asked the WordPress immigration service to kindly escort you to my spam folder so that you can enjoy the company of your kind of people from now on. I imagine this place to be a little like an airport departure lounge, but one designed for passengers who need to be isolated from the others. A kind of decontamination lock-chamber for Village People who have lost the plot. Here in the spam folder, you can feel free to sell each other timeshare apartments and exchange tips to boost your blogging traffic to your heart’s delight, without using my humble blog as a springboard.

La mirada de CatWoman

Pam Spam meowed in despair. “Foiled again!” she hissed, as she sank to the ground in the bad girl corner of  the Spam Lounge.  (Photo credit: sukiweb)

I’m sure that you will all have lots of things in common, starting with your original use of the English language. I must admit that I was a little concerned at the idea of you promising to “inspect” my new posts. The verb “inspect” makes me anxious and is reminiscent of bad experiences like the tax office, airport customs officials, children with head lice and roofs with leaks. Whilst we’re on the subject of language, please put a space between “I” and “actually” the next time you write – you never know, that letter “a” may have smelly armpits. Or he could give “I” the eye.

You do appear to have some idea of appropriate language use, as you use the term “beautiful brides” and not “gold-diggers” in the link you provide. You apparently sell women to gullible western males run a dating agency with the sole purpose of providing happiness for sad and lonely people across the globe. Whilst your magnanimity is commendable, your spelling, punctuation and grammar really don’t do you justice. I therefore suggest that you take a few English lessons; it would be an asset in your bid to make your “products” and/or services more inviting.

If you sign up for English lessons, please do invite some of your other spamming pals along. Make sure that the sexily named “Mikebreedlove” attends, and suggest he takes an appointment with a psychoanalyst as well. His comment : “I was suggested this website through my cousin. I am not now positive whether or not this post is written by him as no one else understand such distinct about my difficulty. You’re amazing ! Thanks !” left me nonplussed and concerned about his relationship with the cousin in question.

Mikebreedlove is just one of a rather entertaining gang of weirdos imprisoned in my spam lounge. These include Elmira the serial killer, who finds that my blog is the « best place for knives »,  and a pseudo-philosopher going by the endearing name of “chronic pulmonary obstructive disease” who managed to upstage you beautifully with his profound statement: « A fabulous crony are probably not anyone, however an associate are forever your sibling.”

SPAM

The tastefully decorated exterior of the WordPress Spam Lounge. (Photo credit: AJC1)

My favourite spam lounge inmate to date, however, has to be “Church Fundraiser”, whose recent plea for help was heart-breaking.  His message was not intended to raise money for the widow and the orphan, as I had expected, but to enquire if I have any bright plug-in ideas so that the poor man could read my blog on his Iphone. Well, Church Fundraiser, I’m sorry to inform you that I don’t know anything about plug-ins for Iphones. I am an exceedingly boring technophobe who has a phone that just phones, and who prefers communicating with real people around me in public rather than hiding behind a smart phone to talk with the interactive Siri. (Ask Siri where you can dispose of a dead body. He will promptly give you the address of the local dump.) Mr Pious, I doubt that you will be taken seriously if you pull the latest Iphone out of your pocket during your crusade to crush rampant consumerism and defend the rights of the poor. My answer would therefore be that you should practice what you preach, sell the Iphone and feed an entire family with the proceeds for a couple of weeks. Unless, of course, you are not a church fundraiser, and are a spammer instead. God forbid….

So, Pam, there you have it.  Welcome to the spammers lounge. Have fun with sexy Mike, Church Fundraiser and a whole bunch of people who are impatient to feed you RSS (whatever that is), boost your traffic and otherwise make your blog the most popular event since Jesus parted the waters. I’m sure you’ll have a whale of a time. If you don’t, there’s a dictionary on the table in the corner. Read it.

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17 thoughts on “Pam Spam and the decontamination chamber.

  1. Inspired by your post I have just checked the spam tin and found this reassuring gem from Ofelia:

    ‘Whomever created the feedback that this had been a good online website really requirements to have their mind inspected.’

    • Ha ha, I see. An appropriate response to Ofelia would be: “Whoever told you that your English was good enough to judge the quality of other sites should be generously bludgeoned with a hard-backed copy of “The Oxford English Dictionary”, then hung, drawn and quartered as an example to other aspiring philistines. P.S. Your parents couldn’t spell. Open a copy of “Hamlet” and find out why”.

    • Glad you enjoyed it, and have fun in the spam lounge. Sorry it took so long to reply to you. Believe it or not, you were…. IN THE SPAM LOUNGE. 😀 “Luck be with you, careful to the spelling mistakes check my links family member”, as they say…

  2. I wonder if they just cut and paste from random web pages and hope that it all just comes together to make sense. A bit like monkey literature, I suppose. 🙂

  3. A gem of a post! I received this one – ‘you need to check the spelling on several of your posts. Many of them are rife with spelling issues and I in finding it very bothersome to inform the truth then again I will definitely come again again’. I also wrote a post about it and I told them not to bothersome to come again again!

  4. Hilarious, MM. 🙂 Sadly the Blogger spam filter isn’t as good as Akismet, so i have to keep a weather eye open for spam landing on the blog itself, or put the dreaded word verification back on again. I’ve had some gems recently, including this on my latest post:

    “I’m gone to inform my little brother, that he should also pay a quick visit this webpage on regular basis to get updated from newest gossip. Look at my page – simply click for source.”

    which makes me wonder what horrors may be lurking under that uninformative link. 🙂

    • Oooh, I LOVE a bit of gossip. Maybe I’ll ask him where it is on your blog- I must have missed that post. Dammit, Janet. The WordPress system is excellent, although just writing about spam earned me another spam comment in my inbox. I moderate all comments to avoid getting junk through, and I’m considering paying to get rid of advertising for non-WordPress readers.

  5. I used to shudder when I saw spam in my WPress filter. I was afraid I would accidentally look at the subject line or sender’s name cross-ways and be infected with a virus converting all my posts to advertisements for viagra. Now I see what I missed by deleting them unread.

    • It’s a real treasure trove of unexpected laughs. Today’s corker was “eretile dysfunction”, who informed me: “I procrastinate a whole lot and don’t seem to get anything done”. Uh, yeah. No shit, Sherlock….

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