P.M.S, or how to become a Potential Murder Suspect.

Being a girl is not easy. That’s what I explained to Little My this morning, as she blinked though the tears and asked me why she is suddenly swinging between crying and getting angry all the time for no reason. I held my daughter in my arms and tried to break the news as gently as I could: Herr Hormone and his henchmen had taken control of her emotional control panel, rewired it and taken over the management of all behavioural procedures in a subversive, pre-pubescent putsch.

English: Behemoth , roller coaster at Canada's...

Fasten your seatbelts: welcome to the hormonal roller-coaster (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Do you know the difference between female hormones and a fairground ride? The answer is that there is no difference at all: they both make you loop the loop and climb to vertiginous heights of exhilaration before plunging into the depths of doom and gloom, leaving you with nausea and a headache.

Men are blissfully ignorant of how it feels to wake up craving chocolate cake and hating the world with the combined malevolence of all three witches in Macbeth. When your Significant Other Half makes the mistake of asking for a matching pair of socks, your eyes pop out of your head, your mouth opens, and out tumbles your outrage at being taken for the family skivvy, closely followed by the age-old comment that he’s a big boy now, that you are not his mother and he can sort his own flaming socks out. You then inform him that he can start his quest for independence by pouring his own coffee, then immediately feel guilty, ask for a cuddle and bawl into his armpit as you plead for chocolate-covered doughnuts and back rubs. Welcome to the hormonal roller-coaster that the medical world coyly refers to as PMS.

all aboaaarrrdd the pms express

Necessary PMS medication stored in adequate pill box (Photo credit: McBeth)

I would love men to get a turn at being a woman. Just for a couple of cycles. Boys, even without being subjected to the multiple “joys” of pregnancy, childbirth and breast-feeding such as being kicked in the bladder all night, crapping a watermelon and having breasts like twin udders, it’d be a real eye-opener for you. Afterwards, you would maybe hesitate to come up with that inter-generational male classic of attributing everything we say that you don’t happen to like to our hormones. For example, when we blow a gasket because you have “invested” the equivalent of a week’s food supply in the purchase of a plant for the garden “because it was cheap”, it cannot be brushed off using your very unscientific “theory of menstruality”. This implies that we would have been thrilled to bits and kissed you fore and aft for your great initiative at any other moment in our cycle. No, guys;  it really does mean that we are angry and we don’t agree. Period. (Sorry for the tasteless pun. I couldn’t resist it.)

Yes, I’m sure you would enjoy being a girl for a month. You could discover the harsh reality of living with boobs: blancmange-like parasites with minds of their own that inflate and deflate in tempo with Herr Hormone’s whims. They start an irreversible migration south just when we girls can enjoy having them as a feminine asset rather than a refuelling pod or airbag for our offspring (further information about boobs can be obtained from a previous post entitled “Nesting and Migration in the lesser spotted boob“).

English: An assortment of spanner wrenches and...

Possible contents of an OB-Gyn’s tool  kit. (Photo credit: Wikipedia).

Then there’s the necessary, sine qua non experience of the check-up at what my favourite author Kathy Lette aptly describes as « the cervix station ». Go ahead, guys, test it out. You will discover that there is nothing quite so unnerving as a complete stranger brightly enquiring what you what you do for a living as he peers hopefully into your depths like Indiana Jones checking out a dank, bottomless cave on his quest for the holy grail.

That’s why I have always found myself a female Ob-Gyn. At least, I have done since an unfortunate first experience as a young woman (a long time ago, as you no doubt suspect). I went through the Yellow Pages and hunted down the oldest French christian name in the list, convinced that pre-retired specialists would be totally blasé about seeing half-naked women.  I took an appointment with the presumably ancient and wrinkly Emile, and sailed confidently into the surgery to find an eager, young and square-jawed Grey’s Anatomy-style doctor who had obviously just graduated from medical school. Lesson learned: never judge a book by it’s cover.

I will leave you with this helpful spoof information film to help men deal with PMS.  I apologise to my parents for my choice of subject – I can’t help it. It’s no doubt because of my hormones…..

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30 thoughts on “P.M.S, or how to become a Potential Murder Suspect.

    • Hmm. Not sure about that. Could be worth a try for a couple of months. The flopping external appendage issue is more easily contained, for starters. Nobody looks at you like you’re a leper if you belch and order a second pint of beer. No fighting with tights, no water retention, no bad hair days…. 🙂

  1. Heh heh 🙂 love it! Yes, I agree, men have NO IDEA!!! Will make sure my teenage sons watch the clip & buy them calenders! I actually think that during PMS week is the only time I tell them what I really think as usually I bite my tongue & just get on with it & they get away with far too much most of the time so why should I feel bad!!! 🙂

  2. Still chuckling… you are so funny & have cheered my hormonal week immeasurably! As for the ‘time of the month’ comment being bandied about by the male species my answer to that is simply… ‘yes it is… do you WANT to challenge me?!’ 🙂

      • Exactly! Brandishing the bread knife while biting a chunk of chocolate off with a demonic gleam in the eye with one of my eyebrows raised questionly normally does the trick! 😀

  3. I think I saw several of those gynecological tools in the movie Saw. I think I’ll stick with the yearly turn and cough thank you very much.

  4. Awesome post! I think the only way men can really experience a bit of PMS likeness is to experience extreme culture shock. Otherwise, it is like watching shark week once a month with no thrill of seeing the sharks on TV, but with the fear of actually being in the water as prey. Sometimes I think they deserve it though. But I would switch in a heartbeat. Being a man would be much better, and I am praying for the onset of Menopause. I am 40… wonder how ling I have?

    • Ommigod! Have you taken a dictionary and checked out how to say “Excuse me but I think that’s a crow bar in your hand” in Serbian?? Good luck!!! MAybe we should write a book entiled “Gynie adventures in a thousand languages” 🙂

      • I think I am taking my most useful big heavy and also hairy dictionary with me 😉 the husband. Just hoping if I need him he will be allowed in the room. 😦 If there is a story worth sharing, I will post it on the Culture shock is like PMS blog that I have neglected for months and be sure to send you the link.

      • Good luck, your dictionary sounds very efficient and interactive, although maybe a bit big to fit in your handbag 😉 Please post the link here, then other bloggers can get access it too 🙂

  5. We men know when you women have PMS!! there are signs that we look out for. Such as “your dinner is in the dog” or When we think you are unhappy and we ask “Hi honey, what’s up?” When the answer is “NOTHING” we know it is safer to find a job in the garage or better still in the cellar.

    • Hey, you’re observant!! As long as you have the time to choose between the cellar and the garage, you’re ok. Severe PMT is extremely dangerous for men. It’s all your fault, anyway; with the letters “m-e-n” starting practically any word to do with our monthly affliction, you poor buggers are obviously in the firing line. But getting grouched at is probably a better deal than being a girl, promise!

      • PS “Nothing” is a female code. Take at face value at your peril. It means “Thanks for worrying, but there’s a green-eyed monster that is stopping me from being pleasant. Please pass the chocolate and the doughnuts and come back when my extra head has shrunk”.

      • It is our fault even when PMT is not involved.

        Hi Honey what is for tea ?
        YOU ARE COOKING
        Ok I will nip out and fetch a pizza and chocolate.

      • No, no, that simply means that you got what what happens to all men who presume that their wife is making dinner. Or that we feel like eating either pizza or pasta, which is what men generally cook 🙂

  6. I feel boring and different as I’ve never experienced PMS, just a slight belly ache. I friend of mine tells me she becomes a fiend with PMS, a sort of Tasmanian Devil.

    I feel for your daughter if she is prone to it. Not a merry prospect, monthly melt-downs for the next 30 years…

  7. Pingback: How to Embrace Your Inner Bitch. | Multifarious meanderings

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